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20121027
20121104
Search Results 0 to 37 of about 38 (some duplicates have been removed)
this is the third and-- thank god-- final debate between barack obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made
mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners and losers, he likes picking losers. >> half of them, the ones invested in have gone out of business. >> jon: holy crap! is that true, half? 63 energy companies got significant federal stimulus money and three and a half years later five have gone bankrupt. so that is half, 50%, that's amazing. that's-- what? oh, that's not the same number, hold on-- oh, it's actually 8%, man. i really have to get a zune. (laughter) and then sell it and get a calculator. wow, 8% bankruptcy rate, still, maybe that doesn't sound so b
>> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> what did you think about mitt romney this evening? go? >> i think he was assertive, confident and hungry for the job. >> i found him to be more human and relatable tonig captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and
. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed to romney's grandson! (laughter) and, folks, great points by romney but it's not just what romney said it's the way he didn't say it. >> the president had a very intent look on his face. i wouldn't describe it as a mean look, i would describe it as a man looking for opportunities to strike. >> governor romney, it seemed to me, had this kind of benign default expression in which he appears to be interested most of the time, he has a slight smile on his face but not a smug one. i wonder if hi his was not the more attractive default expression. (laughter) >> stephen: yes! romney's face totally kicked obama's face's ass. (laughter) jimmy, put up romney's default expression. see? see? that's nice. that reminds me of a benevolent angel wa
: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going to talk a little louder right now because i know their tvs aren't working. (laughter) power challenged nat
's undecided. he support as romney. >> the ads are continuously from 5:00 in the morning until we go to bed at night. >> jon: and that's when the dream ads start. (laughter) are you happy o bama and romney! you're killing the mckittricks! you know they just got married three months ago. (laughter) and now look at them! they're in their mid 20s. you're killing them! (cheers and applause) these ohio political ads zap your youth, they drain your vigor. out of the same hole they used to zap your youth. the cloaca i think it's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by the way, apparently the classic italians are going to move american jeeps making jobs to china. why you say these things, mitt romney. kuz now i gotta makea the nice people
moment of zen. >> i'm tired of bronco bama and mitt romney! >> that's why you're crying? oh, it will be over soon, abby. the election will be over soon, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have
on tips of the wiz el, throughout the election pundits have wondered whether mitt romney's faith could hurt his chances. >> we know from extensive polling as well as an deck-- anecdotally and culturally that evangelical does do not favor a mormon candidate. >> for a lot of evangelical christians, they didn't consider mormonism even christianity. >> stephen: of course, how can it be christianity if it is not televised with an 800 number. so to countser this problem, romney has appealed to the reverend billy graham, an evangelical titan and religious advisor to 12 presidents. one more and he gets a free foot long in heaven. but folks there is a catch. billy graham's own web site lists mormonism as a cult along with jehovah witness, scientologist and unitarians. oh yes, the dang just-- dangerous cult of unitarianism, their rules are so loose that their tle sacred fixes are the old testament, the new testament and free to be you and me. (applause) so ladies and gentlemen, a miracle has occurred for mitt. because with god all things are deletable. >> a meeting with mitt romney seems to have
! out of sensitivity, less than one week from election day mitt romney has been forced to suspend his campaign! that's why he scrapped his victory rally in kettering, ohio and instead appeared at a completely different the same spot -- (laughter) -- with the same people and called it a storm relief rally. which is so comforting for all those living on ohio's hard-hit atlantic coast. (laughter) (applause) now, at the storm relief not-campaign event, mitt aired a biographical video that was part of the republican national convention and the press badges called it a victory rally. but he was clearly there for the canned goods. >> we're going to box these things up in just a minute and put them on some trucks and we're going to send them into uh uh -- i think it's new jersey. (audience reacts) >> stephen: boy, that really warms my uh -- uh -- i think it's my heart? (applause) and, folks, it's not -- one of those organs. just one of them. folks, it's not just the hurricane that's hurting romney here. he has to deal with another threat that can be seen from space, chris christie. (laughter)
of mitt romney's most outspoken allies throughout the president's campaign. this is him 12 days ago. >> the president doesn't know how to lead. he's like a man wandering around in a dark room hands up against the wall clutching for the light switch of leadership and he just can't find it and he won't find it until the next 18 days! >> jon: obama couldn't find a stack of old newspapers in an episode of "hoarders" i'm telling you. this guy couldn't find a container at the container store, i'm telling you. obama couldn't lead a bunch of eels to the sargasso sea-- their natural spawning grounds. (laughter) so, you know, look it up. but that was, of course, when america was still living in a pre9 '11 storm surge mentality. >> i want to thank the president personally for his personal attention to this he accelerated the major disaster declaration for new jersey without the usual red tape. the cooperation from the president of the united states has been outstanding. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> jon: yeah, i guess he found that (bleep)ing light switc
the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study s
to hide the truth? is this a huge scandal that exposes a failed obama foreign policy? or is mitt romney just saying it is? >> stephen: why didn't our consulate have more security? why was the intelligence so slow to come out? and more importantly, if you put a statement in the form of a question, is it journalism? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] so why did the administration imply these attacks were incited by a youtube video that insults the prophet mohammed? would anyone else like to chime in? >> why, why would he -- he and his administration -- speak repeatedly about that little video and with such authority and certainty? >> why would they come up with the video? >> are we really going to blame a video? [ laughter ] >> stephen: how could a video possibly incite violence? jimmy, why don't we watch it? ♪ >> stephen: why has my network forbidden me to show that video? did obama get to them? [ laughter ] or is there some other question i should be asking? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> did the president, did his team, call this an act of terror from the start? why do you thi
a clue. >> stephen: without do you think will win indiana. >> i think governor romney going to win indiana, there is every indication they will. >> stephen: as goes indiana so goes parts of kentucky. well, governor daniels, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) may i -- >> i think frankly you ought to come out to purdue, do the show from there sometime. this will be a reminder for you, it's a-- season you could tell people it stands for pope or something. >> stephen: thank you so much, governor. >> thanks a lot. >> stephen: indiana governor mitch daniels. keeping the republic. well's be right back. >> good night >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
something up about what happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central
will cover them tomorrow, and i would like the make something up about what happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, questions about the libya crisis. could it have been prevented with bayonets and horses? [ laughter ] plus, a gop senate candidate puts his foot in his mouth. i hope it wasn't in an airport bathroom. and i hope it was a foot. [ laughter ] and my guest anthony everitt is an expert on ancient roman culture. or so he claims-- anyone who could contradict him is dead! [ laughter ] only seven days until halloween! but i tell my kids it's ten. i get some great deals on costumes. [ laughter ] this is
Search Results 0 to 37 of about 38 (some duplicates have been removed)